pretentious and sad

tumblr blogging is weird bc even tho i’m writing for myself i’m always concious that i have an audience, however small and however inattentive

even though i’m anxious, a little bit anxious, i’m also peaceful underneath. i have things to do that i’m not doing but i feel peaceful.

i am so so so glad that the lady (whos name i dont understand) got back to me because i feel a little less like drowning. i still have to write this paper but i am afloat. that’s good enough for now.

it’s crazy to me that i didn’t go to class today (that’s not the crazy part i do that all the time but i’m also sick ok it was warranted) and that’s actually what i NEEDED. i feel a lil better now. i think. not going was a good decision, also bc the call i got would have been during class times so my instincts were right B-)

mental health days are a necessity!!

my favorite kind of writing is the kind that is simple and unassuming. no big words. just simple, is key, and then u look under the words and the meaning that flourishes underneath takes my breath away.

i wonder if my affinity for words is a bad thing? i could have been something…. tangible. bodies are tangible. language is not. hm. perhaps i do not wish to be tangible?

-

i think so much about who i want to be but i really don’t know. i’d like to be capable. and healthy, and beautiful, and thin. i’d like to be working at something in publishing, at least for now. i’d like to be well-read.

sigh

i appreciate sparsity and minimalism and this is what i strive for but it seems to be antithetical to my being,

like so much else that i admire and aspire towards. are my desires hurting me?

i will soon have an intake session at a clinic

i am going to explode with this feeling because iwantineedihave to leave, you see?

everything won’t be better

and i have no money

but here is not where i’m meant to be

-

i’m thinking about if i do get to go to london. how will i survive. will i

should i go? i am crazy and there will be no one there to hold my insanity

but what comforts me is that there’s no one here, either. and i survive. and i survive. and i

survive

maybes

maybe i want to be alone

wish i could put my thought… into being….

maybe a reason we are so crazy is because we’re not meant to be with each other for so many years

what does a woman know of loneliness?

with your family

with your husband

watching…. i guess. one of the good things about western culture, i think

is this leaving. leaving is good. leaving teaches and i

i want to learn.

got some things 2 think abt.

.

just a random message 2 send u smooches mwah

 (╯3╰)